I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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