Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
