I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
