I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
