I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
