you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
