I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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