I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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