Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
