they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize