i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I stole a fireplace last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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