Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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