shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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