She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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