I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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