I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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