yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize