You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
