sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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