I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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