i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The air taste purple.
Randomize
