Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
