I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
