Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
