Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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