So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
