I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
