Girls should come with a carfax report
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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