my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
