Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Come see our sink grown plant.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
