i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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