are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
