My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
