somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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