Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
