matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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