im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
