You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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