Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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