Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
