I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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