I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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