The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
