Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
