My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
