take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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