What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
