he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Someone came in the potted fern
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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