my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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