It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
True strength comes from lack of pants
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
