Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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