pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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