It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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