dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I forgot how hot balto sounded
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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