omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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