Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
