I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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