The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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