he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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