And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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