whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
