dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
