my phone needs a breathalizer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
