I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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