sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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